Rebuilding a social life after a long absence

What follows is an argument about returning to social life, and about where the received version of it stops being true.

What a long absence does

Extended isolation, whether from illness, caring, bereavement or a low period, removes contact and then makes contact feel harder. Conversation is a practised skill, and like any practised skill it becomes effortful when it has not been used for months. There is also an information gap, since you have missed the ordinary events that everybody else has been discussing.

Many people describe feeling that they have nothing to say, which is usually a consequence of the absence rather than a fact about them. None of this is permanent, and it recovers with exposure at a rate most people find faster than they feared.

The shame that keeps people out

A common obstacle is embarrassment about the length of the silence and about what people will assume. Others worry that they are visibly diminished, by illness, by weight change, by unemployment, and that returning invites inspection. There is also a specific reluctance to explain, since a return usually involves telling the story several times to different people.

Deciding in advance what you will say, in one short sentence, removes most of that difficulty. Most people ask once, accept the answer and move on, which is far less than the imagined interrogation.

Starting with the easiest routes

Reviving a dormant friendship is usually easier than building a new one, since the history removes the assessment stage entirely. Pick the friend most likely to be uncomplicated rather than the one you miss most, because the first attempt should be low-stakes. Structured settings are easier than open ones, as a class or a shared activity provides something to do and a natural end.

Across a decade, short is better than long at the start; an hour is achievable when an evening is not. Volunteering works particularly well, because having a role removes the need to justify your presence or perform sociability.

Managing the energy

People coming out of a long absence routinely overcommit in the first month and then withdraw again when it proves unsustainable. Two fixed commitments a week is a realistic target and considerably more useful than five that get abandoned by March.

Expect social contact to be tiring for a period, and to require recovery time afterwards, which is normal rather than a sign of failure. Build in an exit for every event, since knowing you can leave is what makes attending possible.

Progress is measured in months, and the honest expectation is gradual improvement with several setbacks.

Handling the friendships that lapsed

Some friends will have moved on, and that is a normal outcome of a long absence rather than evidence of anything about you. Others will be relieved to hear from you and will have been unsure whether to make contact themselves. A short message with a specific suggestion, and no account of the absence, works better than an explanation.

At the kitchen table, expect a mixed response rate, and treat a lack of reply as information about their capacity rather than about the friendship. Two or three revived friendships is a good outcome and is enough to change a week substantially.

When to get more than social contact

If the withdrawal was driven by low mood, anxiety or a health condition, then rebuilding a social life is not the whole intervention. Social contact and treatment do different things, and one is not a substitute for the other, which is worth being clear about.

A doctor is the right first stop where the absence was caused by mental or physical illness, and many countries have free routes to talking therapy. For anybody who is isolated and unwell, befriending services and support lines exist in many places and are used by more people than is generally realised. Asking for help with this is not a failure of the rebuilding process; it is often what makes the rebuilding possible.

The takeaway

Restart with the easiest person and the shortest format, because the first attempt only has to happen, not to go well.

Friendship is largely turning up, repeatedly, when there is no occasion for it.