Boundaries
Keeping a secret you should never have been given
Somebody tells you something and then adds that nobody else knows. What that transfer actually does, and what your options are when it puts you in an impossible position.
The options around unwanted confidences are set out side by side below, with the conditions that genuinely favour one over the other.
The difference in one place
- A confidence transfers a burden along with the information.
- Consent is rarely sought before the disclosure is made.
- There are situations where breaking a confidence is the correct action.
The transfer that happens
A confidence is usually delivered before you have agreed to receive it, which means the obligation arrives without any consent. The teller experiences relief, since sharing a secret distributes its weight, and the listener acquires a portion of that weight. Most of the time this is entirely fine and is a normal part of friendship, which is largely constituted by exactly this exchange.
It becomes a problem when the secret concerns somebody else you know, or when keeping it requires you to mislead people. The difficulty is that by the time you know it is a problem, you already have the information.
Where it becomes impossible
The hardest version is a secret about a person you also know, since keeping it means every subsequent interaction with them involves an omission. Another is a secret that will emerge anyway, where you are effectively being asked to be silent until the discovery makes your silence visible. Confidences shared within a group are particularly corrosive, because the group's internal trust degrades once several private alliances exist.
There is also the secret that requires action, such as knowledge of harm, where silence is not a neutral option. Each of these is a different problem and they should not be handled the same way.
Declining a confidence
It is possible, and rarely done, to say that you would rather not be told before somebody starts. Signals are usually available: the preface, the change of tone, the request to keep this between us, all arrive before the content does.
In the long run, saying that you do not want to be in a position of keeping something from a mutual friend is a legitimate and honest response. It feels unfriendly and is generally received better than expected, particularly if you offer to help in some other way. This option disappears entirely once the sentence has been said, which is why the moment before is the important one.
Managing one you already hold
Ask the teller what the boundaries are, since people frequently say nobody knows without meaning that nobody may ever know. Ask specifically whether you may discuss it with your partner, since many people assume that exemption and many tellers do not intend it. Encourage them towards telling whoever needs to know, and offer to be present, which is often what is actually holding them back.
After a falling-out, set a limit if the secret is consuming your relationship with a third party, saying that you cannot hold it indefinitely.
Keep your own record straight, since the most common way confidences break is an accidental reference rather than a decision.
When to break one
Where somebody is at risk of serious harm, from themselves or from another person, the confidence is not the priority and should not be treated as one. Knowledge of ongoing abuse, of a child at risk or of a credible threat calls for contacting an appropriate service rather than deliberating alone. In such cases, telling the person that you are going to act, unless doing so creates danger, is usually the fairer route.
At the kitchen table, for lesser situations, the test is whether keeping the secret causes ongoing harm to somebody who could act on the information. If you are unsure, describing the situation to a professional, a doctor, a helpline, a lawyer, without naming anybody is a reasonable first step.
If a relationship has stopped feeling safe rather than merely difficult, that needs more than an article.
Being the teller
Ask before you disclose, since checking whether somebody is willing to hold something takes one sentence and removes most of the difficulty. Be specific about what you are asking for, since nobody else knows is ambiguous and produces the wrong assumptions.
Spread it across more than one person if it is heavy, because relying on a single friend to hold something serious is a considerable imposition. Do not use a confidence to create an alliance, as telling somebody a secret about a mutual friend is an act with consequences for three people. If the thing you are carrying is genuinely serious, a professional is a more appropriate holder than a friend, and considerably better equipped.
Side by side
| Consideration | What it means in practice |
|---|---|
| The transfer that happens | A confidence transfers a burden along with the information. |
| Where it becomes impossible | Consent is rarely sought before the disclosure is made. |
| Declining a confidence | There are situations where breaking a confidence is the correct action. |
The takeaway
The moment to decline a confidence is the sentence before it arrives, and almost nobody uses it.
Nobody keeps everyone. Choose the few and be serious about them.
Questions readers ask
Can I tell my partner something a friend told me in confidence?
Ask the friend. Many people assume that exemption and many do not intend it, and the assumption is one of the most common ways confidences break.
When is it right to break a confidence?
When somebody is at risk of serious harm. In that situation the obligation runs to the person at risk, and contacting an appropriate service is the correct action.
