Friendship
The catch-up that never happens is a design fault, not a lie
People mean it when they say they should see each other more often. The sentence simply contains nothing that can be acted on, and…
Sameer Kacker
Contributing writer, Grab My Heart
Sameer writes about adult friendship and how much of it is simply scheduling.
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16 articles
Friendship
The person who always organises eventually stops
Every group has one, and the group rarely notices what the role costs. What happens in the months after they run out, and why the…
Friendship
The friend you speak to most is not always the one you would call
Contact frequency and depth are different measurements, and confusing them leaves people surprised in a crisis. How to tell which…
Friendship
Adult friendship has no next step, which is why so many stall at pleasant
Romance and work both come with escalations built in. Friendship has none, so it stays wherever the braver of the two people left…
Friendship
A group of friends and a friendship are two different objects
People assume a circle is made of friendships. Often it is made of a shared setting, and the individual bonds inside it have never…
Friendship
Being available beats being interesting
People try to earn friendship by being good company. What actually gets someone included is being reachable, reliable and present…
Boundaries
Expecting less of somebody is not the same as giving up on them
Adjusting your expectations of a friend or relative sounds like a defeat. In practice it is often what keeps the relationship alive…
Boundaries
Saying you are not available without inventing a reason
People construct elaborate excuses to decline ordinary invitations. The excuses are unnecessary, they invite negotiation and they…
Friendship
The friend who is a generation older, and what makes it work
Adults almost never end up in unstructured rooms with people two decades away from them. When it happens anyway, the friendship has…
Friendship
Closeness advances in turns, and one person can stall it
Two people move from acquaintance to friend by taking turns saying slightly more than the last thing said. When one stops taking…
Friendship
A friendship built on a shared complaint has a shelf life
Two people bonding over the same impossible manager can become close very fast. What holds them together is a situation, and…
Friendship
Adult friendship needs a place to happen and most of us have nowhere
Friendships are built by repeated unplanned contact, which requires somewhere both people can turn up cheaply and often. Most…
Friendship
Making friends in a language you are still learning
The problem is not vocabulary. It is that humour, speed and nuance go first, so people who are funny and quick in one language…
Friendship
Being the funny one can be a way of staying unknown
The role is genuinely useful to a group, which is what makes it so easy to keep. It also lets somebody attend every occasion and be…
Boundaries
Leaving a group you no longer want to be part of
Most people exit by attending less and less until nobody expects them. It works, slowly, and it costs more in awkwardness than a…
Boundaries
Saying no to somebody who is in the middle of a crisis
The hardest refusals are the ones where the need is real. Capacity is finite regardless, and the friendships that survive are…